


Maybe it started then...

by SterekGirl1991



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Falling In Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Violence, Violent Thoughts, Werewolves, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-21
Updated: 2013-09-26
Packaged: 2017-12-27 05:44:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/975116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SterekGirl1991/pseuds/SterekGirl1991
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After everything that Stiles has been through he still feels like he is nothing. That he doesn't matter. Everything just starts to build up and Stiles can't take it anymore. He doesn't remember when he started cutting but it makes him feel better. Like he has something to cling to. But he will always be the frail human that no one wants around. Little does he know that a certain broody Alpha cares about him more than he thinks and maybe its time to let the feelings he had been hiding for so long finally come to the surface. Maybe it will save more lives than one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It comes to the surface like the blood after the blade.

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings! There will be talk of depression and cutting in this fic! If you think this will effect you in anyway I advise you NOT to read it. 
> 
> I do not own any of the characters in this fic. They are the property of their creators.
> 
> So this is my first ever fic. I hope you like it and comments would be appreciated! <3 More chapters to come!

Stiles doesn't remember how it started. Maybe it was when his mom died. When they found out that she was sick he remembers trying to be strong for her. He didn't know at the time how sick she really was. How there was no cure for what she had. How it was slowly eating away at her body. He could see it though. He didn't want to believe it but deep down he knew that she was dying. The way one day she was smiling with rosy cheeks and her long, brown flowing hair. Then it was like he blinked and her cheeks were suddenly sunken in. Where her skin was once rosy it was now pale and almost translucent. Her beautiful hair that he had once loved to bury his face in was thin and dull. But he had still tried to be strong. He refused to let her see him cry even when he knew his dad was lying to him telling him that everything was going to be alright. But it wasn't going to be alright. It would never be alright. The day that she died it was like a piece of him had died with her leaving a hole in his heart. And over the years the hole would darken and spread. It would tear at him and leave him a broken mess of a boy. But he didn't know that. Not at the time. He was only seven years old after all. 

He remembers coming home after the funeral and watching his dad go straight for the bottle. He didn't even wait to take his suit off. He watched him drink down the whole glass. His eye color reflecting the color of the whiskey that would cling to his father’s breath for months after the funeral. He couldn't feel it right away but seeing that chipped at the hole in his heart even more. Seeing his father stumble up to bed without even saying goodnight to his son then stumbling down in the morning and going straight to the bottle again. Stiles remembers packing his own lunches for school. His father was too out of it to even get off of the couch. But young Stiles would always make him a lunch as well putting it on a plate and placing it on the coffee table in front of him before grabbing his backpack and going to the bus stop. He would ignore the concerned looks from the other parents waiting with their kids. Stiles started arriving to the bus stop late just so he could avoid seeing the moms kissing their children goodbye. He would go to school and then come home to find his dad passed out on the couch. The young boy would make them snacks then head to his room to do homework. Maybe it started then…who knows.

Things got better though. His father soon stopped drinking. It was a slow start but he would wake up to him cooking him breakfast in the morning and walking him to the bus stop. He would still come home and find him passed out but…it was a start. At least he still had his best friend, Scott. He helped a lot. Him and Scott were inseparable. They did everything together and he was always there for him. Even when he had his first panic attack. He had woken up to find his father gone. The house was dark and empty and Stiles thought that his dad had died as well. That they had left him alone. That he was all by himself now. That was when his chest tightened and he started seeing stars. Picking up the phone he called Scott’s house and soon the boy was coming in the room and holding Stiles as he tried to breathe. About an hour later his father came home…drunk…smelling like whiskey like he always did. The panic attacks got more recent after that but Scott was always there. Neither of them would know that the hole in his heart was getting bigger. The edges were slowly chipping away expanding the darkness in his heart.

Things got better though. His father stopped drinking and went back to work. Stiles had a feeling it was because of Scott’s mom. She would always ask how his dad was doing when he was over at the McCall’s house. Stiles was secretly grateful for her. He knew that if it wasn't for her his dad would have never stopped drinking. Elementary school turned into Middle school and things were good. Until Jackson Whittemore decided that Stiles wasn't good enough. That he was a dork and a nerd. He was deemed unpopular and everyday at school seemed like he was a rabbit hiding from the hunting dogs that were sniffing around in the brush. He got picked on and teased. He was tormented daily and was even beat up a couple of times. Scott tried to help but he got the same treatment. It wasn't as bad as Stiles’ treatment by them though. They told him he wasn't good enough. He would never be good enough and slowly Stiles started to believe them. He put on a brave face and acted like he didn't care. That it didn't bug him. He would still laugh and joke around with Scott. He would still go over to his house and play video games and goof off. But deep down it was setting in. He wasn't good enough. That was when it really set in. The hole was getting bigger.

Once Middle school ended things got more interesting. High school was a different story. It was a new start. A fresh start. Stiles would try out for the lacrosse team and maybe be popular. Maybe this year he would finally be good enough. He would matter. But things got more interesting than he wanted them to be when Scott got bitten by a werewolf. Everything that happened to them it was interesting and scary but thrilling. Stiles had something to do now. Something to focus on. But then he realized…he still didn't matter. Everything that was happening to them…it was all about Scott. Scott was the interesting one. He was the werewolf. The one everyone wanted. He became good at lacrosse and got heightened senses and strength. He could turn into this awesome creature that people would only read about in myths and legends. Something that wasn't supposed to be real. And Stiles? Well, Stiles was still just human. The fragile human that always got in the way. The one that always got hurt and left behind. The one that didn't matter. This was when the darkness finally set in. This was when it took hold of him. It gripped his heart and refused to let him go.

Over the next year things started heating up. More people started dying and things started to get more interesting. He started to feel like he actually mattered. He was helping…or so he thought. But the darkness had already taken hold of him. It wasn’t going to let him go now. It had taken root and was snaking through his body poisoning his thoughts. He was still the frail and breakable human. He couldn’t do the things that the others could do. He wasn’t a hunter, or a Banshee, or a werewolf. He was just…the human. He was the one they would all leave behind. Especially Derek. He hated Stiles. He made it clear everyday that he didn’t want him around. So maybe everyone was better off without him. They would all go on without him. They probably wouldn’t even notice. The blade felt cool against his arm as he pulled it across his skin. The burn from the blade pulling in his skin sent chills through his body. He felt the warmth of the blood running down his arm. It moved around the ridges of the other scars that lined his arm. This was why he wore long sleeved shirts. To hide what he was doing. He knew it was wrong but…he couldn’t stop. He needed to do this. He knew his friends wouldn’t catch on. They never noticed him anyways. And the werewolves in the group wouldn’t think that the faint smell of blood on him was from the healing cuts on his arms. They would think it was just the lingering smell from the last dead body they had found. No one would know because he didn’t matter. Or so he thought…little did he know that he mattered to all of them. Especially one in particular. A certain someone who was hiding outside his window watching him. Red eyes glowed in anger and fear as they watched the knife glide into the pale and scarred skin of the boy he cared about. The one he had been trying to hide his feelings for. But maybe it was time to show him. He mattered.


	2. Running like the Blood  from the Vein

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek doesn't know how it got like this. How it had gotten this far without him noticing how utterly broken Stiles was.

The wind whipped around him. Droplets of water stung his eyes as they fell from the heavens. But he couldn’t stop running. He had to run. He had to get away from everyone so he wouldn’t hurt them. Red eyes scanned the trees for something, anything to hunt and kill. Black fur was plastered to his body from the falling rain and his heart beat wildly. The Alpha kept running. Kept trying to outrun the images that were playing in his mind. The knife. The skin breaking apart. The blood. Stiles. He stopped and tore at a tree with his claws splintering it and sending it away from him. He looked up at the sky and let a howl rip through his body and into the night sky. He cried out to the heavens the smell of blood still lingering in his nose.

How could he?! How could he be so stupid?! Didn’t he know how many people cared about him? How many people needed him? How long had he been hiding this? Derek felt like an idiot for not noticing. It was all his fault. He should have noticed. He should have noticed and he should have done something. He should have helped. That was what an Alpha did for his pack. He helped them. Now one of his pack was harming himself. How could it have gotten this bad? Maybe if he hadn’t have been trying to stay away from him he would have noticed.

Ever since Derek realized how much he cared about the boy he had tried to stay away. He had tried to keep his distance and it hurt to. He wanted to protect him. He wanted him to be safe which was why he stayed away. Derek was dangerous. He attracted danger and he always seemed to fuck things up. Paige, Kate, his family, Scott, Lydia, Allison, Erica. Everything bad that had happened to them was his fault and he couldn’t do that to Stiles. Stiles deserved better.

But now? Maybe he should stop hiding his feelings and just tell Stiles how he feels. He can’t keep letting the boy hurt himself like this. It was killing him inside thinking of Stiles taking that knife and cutting into his arm again. He saw the scars and he knew that for him to have so many this must have been happening for awhile. And it might not just be his arms. He could have them on other places of his body as well. The thought alone sent a shudder down the wolf’s spine. 

The Alpha hung his head low and stalked off into the woods more. He was still angry but now his heart hurt. His heart was breaking thinking about the boy he loved hurting himself. And that was it. He loved him. It was the first time he admitted to himself that he loved Stiles. Yes, he knew he had feelings for him but he didn’t know that it was love. He would help him. He had to help him. But he couldn’t right now. So he continued to run. 

He ran faster and deeper into the woods. He could feel the other wolves in his pack running behind him. They knew that he was hurting but they didn’t know why. But they ran with him. They ran until they couldn’t and even then they pushed themselves to follow him. He was their Alpha and they needed to take care of him as much as he needed to take care of them. When his head was clear he would thank them. He would tell them what was going on but he couldn’t right now. Right now his wolf just needed to try and escape the pain and the hurt and the anger that was built up in him. 

It was just before sunrise that Derek stopped. He stood in front of the newly rebuilt Hale house and just closed his eyes and breathed as he changed back into his human form. He could still hear and feel his pack behind him giving him distance. They panted trying to catch their breathes. It was awhile before one of them spoke. After only hearing the sound of the rain, his feet hitting the ground and his blood rushing in his ears all night it was like he was shouting when Isaac finally stepped forward.

“Derek…what happened? What…what’s wrong?”

The Alpha growled without even thinking about it and Isaac backed up a little bit lowering his head in submission. He knew he was a tough Alpha to deal with but he did care about his pack. Isaac had been the first member of his pack and Derek would always have a soft spot for him. He tried not to growl at him as much seeing on how his father had treated him but he couldn’t help it. One word slipped out of his mouth. It was the one word he had been thinking all night.

“Stiles…”

That was all it took for Scott to look up and rush towards him. He should have known that it would happen. Him and Stiles were best friends. 

“Stiles? What happened to Stiles? Derek is he alright? Where is he?”

The Alpha turned and looked at him. He shook the boy’s hand off of his shoulder and turned to his pack. They needed to know. They were all a pack and a family. Stiles was apart of this pack even if he didn’t realize it. 

“He needs help. He needs his pack. He has for awhile but we’ve all been too stupid and ignorant to even notice how broken he was inside. Pack meeting tonight. I’ll bring Stiles.”

With those words spoken Derek turned and walked into the house. He went straight upstairs and turned the shower on as hot as it would go before stepping in and letting t run over his tired and sore body. He finally let himself cry. The tears he had been holding in finally broke over the surface and streamed down his face as he slid down the wall and sat with his head in his hands. How could he have let this happen? He hoped it wasn’t too late to save him.


	3. The cuts won't heal...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one isn't as long as the last two but I think it gets the point across. I couldn't really write anymore seeing as I was crying when I wrote this. Hope you guys like it! And again comments are appreciated! Thanks for all the kudos and comments guys! <3

Stiles sat with his guitar over his lap. He was leaning against the door to his bedroom strumming away and jotting down lyrics that would pop into his head. His old keyboard had been pulled out from under his bed and laid not too far from him. He hadn’t written a song in a long time. No one really even knew that he played any instruments except for Scott. It was one of the things that let him just escape life. He could pick up his guitar and just strum a few cords and goof off while jotting down lyrics that he thought of and it made him feel a little bit better. But not this time. This time…with the song he was writing…he didn’t really know what it meant or who it was for. He was in his own little world. But it wasn’t making him feel better. It wasn’t letting him escape like it usually did. He still felt broken and useless. Like no one would want him. No one would ever want him.

Scott didn’t even want him anymore. He was so involved in trying to get Allison back that he didn’t even notice that Stiles wasn’t even really around anymore. That even when he was he didn’t talk as much or wasn’t as bubbly as he usually was. He had a new best friend anyways. Isaac. They had grown really close in the past few months anyone could see that and it made Stiles feel like he was being left behind. It proved to him that no one would notice if he was gone. That no matter what he did he wouldn’t be needed. The boy picked up the pen and scribbled out a few more lyrics on the notebook lying next to him. 

Scott didn’t need him, Lydia never wanted him, his dad would be better off without him, the pack didn’t have any need for him, and Derek…Derek would probably be happy that he was gone. That the hyperactive teenager who always got in his hair would finally be gone and he could finally get some peace and quiet. He would never know about the crush that Stiles had on him or how much he actually did care about him. He would never know that Stiles would lay awake at night thinking about him and what it would be like to be wrapped up in his arms. He would lay there and think about how he wished they could have a future together. How he wished that Derek would come crashing through his window and tell him how much he loved him and wanted to be with him. Stiles knew that that would never happen though. He was just dreaming and wishing but it was all fruitless. Derek hated him and he knew that. So he was giving up. He was giving up on the fact that he would never be with Derek. That he never had a chance with him. It was just something else that added to the hole in his heart. That told him he was useless and pathetic. Swooning over someone who would never love him.

His hands came up and ran through his hair that he had grown out pulling on it a little bit as he bit back tears. As everything crashed into him. Every feeling and regret and heart ache. It all came crashing down at that moment. He knew he couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t keep living like this. Stiles hit his head off of the door he was leaning on with his fingers tangled in his hair as he squeezed his eyes shut willing himself not to cry. The burning in his throat got worse but he took a few breathes and pushed the tears back. After what seemed like forever he grabbed his computer and opened his webcam. He had already recorded the piano for the song he had written. He situated himself with his guitar and hit record as he sang the song he had written. He had written it for everyone really but mainly Derek. To finally tell him how he felt even though it wouldn’t make a difference. He felt the tears fall slowly as he sang. The song died and he looked down taking a shaky breathe before staring right into the camera. There was no light in his eyes. No hidden smile that this was a joke. This was serious. He ran his hand through his hair. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough…for anyone…goodbye…”

Stiles hit the stop button and let it stay on his computer screen as he got up and set it up on his desk. He put his guitar and keyboard away as well as his notebook. Looking around the room he sighed and hung his head as he started to clean. He picked up his dirty clothes putting them in the hamper then he folded his clean ones and tucked them away in his drawers which he straightened and made neat. The boy looked over and started to make his bed making sure that all the corners were square and neat then he started picking up the garbage and straightening his desk and shelves. Stiles wiped the dust away and made sure his closet was neat and clean as well and free of clutter. The teenager looked around the room as he pulled on his shoes and his favorite red hoodie. He wiped a few tears away as he grabbed his bag and head out the door climbing in his jeep and driving. He knew exactly where he was going. Where it all began. Where the hole had started to rip into him and the darkness had been born.

The drive was short. He didn’t even had to look when he was driving if he didn’t want to. He knew the roads to get to where he was going better than anything. He had been there so many times before. Stiles parked his jeep and got out and pushed his hands in his pockets wrapping his hand around the knife that had become the only release for him. Soon it would be his escape. The air was cold and made him shiver but he didn’t care. His destination was the only thing he was focused on. Soon a dark grey headstone came into view and he fell down on his knees in front of it touching the weather worn letters. 

“Hey, Mom…”


	4. You can fight your Demons...with a little help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very sad chapter! I cried! I'm sorry! lol
> 
> This song inspired the last two chapters. Amazing amazing song! It is the one Stiles sings.
> 
> Say Something by Ian Axel
> 
> Again thank you for reading and for all the wonderful comments! Love you guys!! <3

Derek spent the rest of the day trying to think of a way to talk to Stiles about what he was doing. About how he felt and why he was doing this to himself. Ask him why he hadn’t just come talk to one of them…any of them…about how he was feeling. They could have helped and they wouldn’t be in this situation right now. Derek wouldn’t be scared out of his mind thinking about Stiles and how he was feeling. His heart wouldn’t be breaking as he relived watching Stiles cut himself and seeing all of those scars on his beautiful skin. The Alpha wanted to kiss each and every scar to let him know that he was loved. That someone cared about him. That he could beat his demons and he didn’t have to do it alone. Derek would be there every step of the way and so would the pack. That was what a pack was for. To help and love one another. To care for each other.

The wolf sat on his front step just staring out into the woods. He wished his mom was here. She would know what to do. She always knew what to do. She would push him to go and make a move. To just tell Stiles how he felt and help him. But Derek didn’t know how to and he didn’t have anyone to help him with this. He wasn’t good with words or with feelings, he never had been. So now he had to go and find Stiles and tell him he loved him? It wasn’t that simple. What if Stiles didn’t love him back? What would he do then? He knew he would still stay and help him but it would break his heart knowing that he didn’t love him back. But at least Stiles would be alive. At least he could still save his life.

Derek got up and grabbed his leather jacket pulling it on. The leaves were already turning different shapes of reds and oranges. There was even a slight chill in the air which was weird for California. But he didn’t mind. He liked the slight nip to his skin. Grabbing his keys he jumped in his car and pulled out of the driveway turning to go towards Stiles’ house. The meeting was soon and Derek had to confront Stiles about what he was doing and show him that he was loved and he was somebody. That he mattered. To more than one person. He mattered to a lot of people. He was a very important part of the pack and he was very important to Derek. As he drove his fingers drummed on the steering wheel. He got more nervous the closer he got to his house.

He parked the sleek, black Camaro in the driveway. The sheriff wasn’t home and he was somewhat thankful for that. He didn’t want to try and explain why he was there then had his father be dragged into it. They needed to move slow and easy with this or it could all backfire and make Stiles worse. They couldn’t afford to make him worse. Climbing out he shook his hands out and walked up to the door knocking. When he heard no one in the house he made his way in. The Door was unlocked so he made his way up the stairs to the boy’s room. When he opened the door he stood there shocked. He had never seen Stiles’ room this clean before. The floor was free of clutter and clothes. His bed was made. His desk and dresser were clean and clear and everything was free of dust. This wasn’t like Stiles. This wasn’t like him at all.

Derek’s heart started beating faster as his eyes fell onto the computer. Stiles never left his laptop open when he left his house. It was some weird OCD thing with him. Derek moved slowly towards the desk. Once he got in front of it he clicked the mouse and the screen came to life showing a video that was up and on the screen. Derek clicked the play button and music started to fill the room as he watches Stiles. He had no idea that Stiles played the guitar or piano or even sang but his voice was amazing. It was beautiful and pure and Derek wanted to listen to it forever but the words he was singing broke his heart and got him scared.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysAoZNlAetE

_"Say something, I'm giving up on you._  
 _I'll be the one, if you want me to._  
 _Anywhere, I would've followed you._  
 _Say something, I'm giving up on you._

_And I was feeling so small._  
 _It was over my head_  
 _I know nothing at all._

_And I will stumble and fall._  
 _I'm still learning to love_  
 _Just starting to crawl._

_Say something, I'm giving up on you._  
 _I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you._  
 _Anywhere, I would've followed you._  
 _Say something, I'm giving up on you._

_And I will swallow my pride._  
 _You're the one that I love_  
 _And I'm saying goodbye._

_Say something, I'm giving up on you._  
 _I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you._  
 _Anywhere, I would have followed you._  
 _Say something, I'm giving up on you._

_Say something, I'm giving up on you._  
 _Say something..."'_

Derek stared at the computer screen as Stiles spoke those words. His last words. That was when Derek knew. He knew that Stiles loved him but he thought that he didn’t have a chance. That Derek didn’t love him. The wolf moved quickly and tore the keys out of his pocket as he ran out of the house stumbling on the stairs. He inhaled once he was outside and picked up Stiles’ scent. It was faint in the air but it gave a clear direction. He just hoped he wasn’t too late.

The Camaro roared to life as he peeled out of the driveway driving as fast as he could. That video was Sties’ goodbye to everyone. His confession of his love for Derek. His foot pressed down on the gas more urging his car to go faster. The window was down to let his scent in as the Alpha followed it. He soon saw his jeep parked in the cemetery parking lot. Derek didn’t even care to park his car straight as he cut the engine and jumped out. The wind whipped past him blowing Stiles’ scent away as he ran into the cemetery. His eyes scanned everywhere until he finally saw a figure slumped over on the ground in front of a headstone. He ran faster as he neared him praying he wasn’t too late. He could smell the scent of blood filling the air and he yelled out in fear.

“Stiles!!”


End file.
